Person: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No not right now. My priority is my career.
Person: Aww that’s too bad, well keep your hopes, up you’ll find someone!
Person: Tell me about yourself, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nah, I don’t need one.
Person: Don’t you ever want one?
Me: I’m not interested, I’m perfectly happy with my life: I’ve got a loving family, a rewarding career and fun hobbies.
Person: Look if you’ve been hurt in the past I’m here to talk.
Right here pyjaks, is why I sometimes don’t like to meet new people because I’m afraid they’re going to ask me that question when they want to get to know me. I always dread that question. The answer is no, I do not have a boyfriend, nor am I interested in having one.
Never mind the rewarding job I’ve got and all the stuff I love to do in it, or my cool hobbies I enjoy doing when I’m not working, or my family and friends. People just want to know if you’re single or not. Your marital status in society seems to override everything else about you that people want to know and it makes me sick.
Let me make this clear, I did date someone once: a childhood friend in high school which came up through peer pressure. We never kissed, he was moving too fast and it didn’t even make it to the six month period. The intimacy and physical affection was making me uncomfortable so I broke it off. Now, we’re just friends and I don’t see him that often anymore. Since then I have never dated anyone else, I have never kissed a man, and I’m 100% okay with that because I believe there is more to life than a romantic relationship and I love my life just the way it is.
I love myself and the things I have accomplished. I also enjoy my solitude and freedom to make my own decisions without having to consult with someone else or worry about them all the time. I love my job, my hobbies and my friends, and I am a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman. I don’t need a man to complete me.
So, there is nothing wrong with being single for the majority of or your entire life. But there is a problem with people who choose to belittle or try to “fix” it (in other words, try to set you up with someone), or assume that you’ve had a bad relationship experience in the past and you should open up more.
I respect your decision to get married in your early 20s and have children so why can’t you respect me?
I may not fully understand why some people out there (including some I know from high school) mope and complain that they don’t have a significant other. I’m not a therapist, so I can’t help you with your insecurities. But, I will stress to you that romance is not the only form of companionship out there to satisfy loneliness. You have to learn to love yourself before you love someone else, that way you will learn to enjoy your own company when you are alone. I love being alone, it personally gives me the time to do my own thing, turn my music up loud on speakers, and not feel like I’m being watched and judged. When I’m alone, I can be myself, and I don’t feel lonely because I love my own company, even my cats keep me company.
Some other people I know from high school have already got married and/or had children. I don’t know if they were either rushing into it because they’re afraid of being alone, or that was just their priority during that time, while my priority was my studies. Either way, I’m happy for them.
Many times in high school, there were a few guys who did ask me out and I turned them all down, and this was after I broke off that really short relationship. Some of them were respectful, some of them wept, and some of them persisted. The latter was the worst.
Even today, I still get that from time to time online from strangers or guys from school. The latest vile examples I will now give.
I’m not going to give out their names, but this is just to make you aware how disrespectful some people can be to a person who chooses to be single.
The first one jumped straight to it and when I said no, he kept bugging me why I didn’t want to date him, and when I told him I wasn’t interested and didn’t remember him, he refused to believe me and kept asking over and over until I blocked him.
The second one wasn’t direct, but he would send flirty emojis in EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE he sent me (yes caps are completely necessary) from blushing to heart emojis. He kept saying I was cute and how we had things in common like Transformers, tagged me in relationship quotes, and sent compliments about my appearance. I had to tell him more than once to stop because I was not interested and he was making me uncomfortable. Funny enough, I looked at his profile and saw he was extremely insecure and hated his single life. When I cut him off and discovered later that he eventually found someone else, that was all he ever talked about on his profile and was making photo edits of him and her together and all his bio said was “Happily taken by [insert girl’s name here] on [insert date here]” Uh yeah even if I did want a boyfriend, I wouldn’t want one who does that, especially with the photos because that’s just creepy. Is there anything else in your life besides your girlfriend sir?
The third and most recent one is a guy who started off the conversation requesting to see a picture of me with my hair covering my face claiming it would make me sexy (I do not see how that is sexy at all, but I guess that’s better than requesting nudes), when I said no, he jumped straight into the boyfriend question and once again when I said I wasn’t interested, he demanded to know why and then started to make assumptions that I’m some broken person who had failed a previous relationship and then built this wall around my heart.
If I remember correctly, that’s called gaslighting and is completely unacceptable. There is no deeper reason for me choosing not to date: I wasn’t abused, groped, raped, or just had a history of failed relationship(s) in general. I am simply just not interested in dating and that’s okay. He even tried to pull the “I’ve had a crush on you since high school” move. All that made me angry and I blocked him too.
Therefore, this is why I am extremely picky with anyone who tries to add me on Facebook or Instagram.
I get it, we’re social creatures and to be loved makes us feel like we belong. But I also think what is to blame for single people being shamed is the media. There are countless movies, TV series, and even books where any single person is practically coerced into finding a partner, even if they state that they don’t need one. Look at Tiana from The Princess and the Frog. She worked her ass off to save up to open her own business. Her mother didn’t understand why she wouldn’t settle down and Tiana rebuffed it saying she was happy didn’t need a man, but despite that, she met Naveen and they became an item.
That’s why I get so antsy when I hear fans talk about wanting Elsa to get hooked if there’s going to be a third Frozen.
Believe it or not, the shaming can also come from social media when couples show off pictures of their romantic moments there. It creates a sense that we single people should be jealous, insecure, and pressured, even if that is not the couple’s intention with the post.
Also, just about every song that has been created in the music industry is about love and sex. All of it in the media is brainwashing us that the only way we can be happy is if we get a romantic partner, marry them, and pop out a few babies.
I disagree. Happiness can come in many different forms. Happiness could be a single woman living in a condo with a couple of cats, she enjoys gaming, hanging with her friends, and she has a rewarding career that gives her enough money to travel the world.
That’s going to be me in ten years, a future that does not need to include a husband.
You may ask why I am writing about this now? Well, love is a subject we all think about sometimes, we wonder if will we find someone or are we destined for greater things without a partner? Some people say that there is the right person out there for everyone, I disagree with that as well. You could end up finding the right person, but then all of a sudden after years of marriage they are no longer the same person you thought they were, and then you divorce. Nobody is perfect, not even the “right” person. Finding love may not be everyone’s true calling in life and that’s perfectly okay.
Some people choose to stay single because when a relationship goes wrong: breakups/divorces can have devastating emotional effects that they don’t want to go through, or maybe because they like their freedom to flirt and make their own decisions, or it is just simply not the life for them. Whatever the reason, it is nobody’s business to tell me or any other single person on the planet that they need to pair up before it is “too late”, whatever that means.
It’s 2020, not the 18th century. If you’re reading this and you have a romantic partner and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, congratulations, I wish you well. But know this, just because I do not have one or even want one does not make me lesser of a person nor does it mean I am unhappy, unsuccessful, or lonely. I have different plans with my life and I will control my own destiny without a life mate.
I am also grateful that my family is not hounding me about this. One time at dinner I asked my dad out of the blue if he would be heartbroken if he never got the opportunity to walk me down the aisle. He said that he would not and that it was my life to live. I know my mom feels the same way even if she doesn’t say much about it. I hear too many stories about single women whose parents are the opposite unfortunately.
My silence on this universal topic has been broken. Don’t you dare leave comments that I don’t have the right to speak about this because I write romantic things about all the fictional characters and musicians I love. That is entirely different. Yes, I like to fantasize about dating characters from the Red Horseman to the Half-Jawed Shipmaster, but I don’t need one in real life, I am happy flying solo. Good day.
3 thoughts on “It Is Okay To Be Single But It Is Not Okay To Shame People Who Choose To Be”
Okay. This is one of the best posts I ever read! You are awesome. I’ve been single my whole life and relate strongly to what you’ve said. I sense pity from people when I tell them I’m single and it’s honestly annoying. I truly enjoy being alone and a lot of people have trouble understanding that for some reason.
Way too much emphasis is placed on romantic and sexual relationships in society. There are 7 words for love in greek so there is a heck of a lot more to it than what our society seems to think. Close friends are the most important people in the world to me and friendships seriously need more love, haha.
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I’m glad you can relate. I read your article about being asexual and you should be proud of yourself for sharing that. I agree there is so SO much more to life! Most people seem to understand, but I get irritated if they start to pity me.
I love my solitude and you’re right, love is in many different forms: friendship and families. Just because we’re not married doesn’t mean we’re not happy. Cheers to being single and happy ❤🥂
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